The Quiet Cost of Always Being Nice

Hey you,

Have you ever said “yes” and immediately felt something in your chest tighten?

Not because you wanted to help. But because you didn’t know how to say no. Because you didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Because you were afraid of what they might think.

I’ve been there more times than I can count.

People pleasing can wear the mask of kindness. It looks like generosity, selflessness, and flexibility. But underneath, it’s often fear. Fear that being real will cost us connection. That setting boundaries will make people leave. That saying “no” makes us difficult or unkind.

But here’s what I’m learning: kindness doesn’t mean abandoning yourself.

You can care deeply and still say, “I don’t have capacity for this right now.”

You can be supportive and still ask for space.

You can love people and still choose yourself.

If you’ve been stuck in that loop, saying yes when you want to say no, or apologising just for existing, here are a few things that have helped me:

• Pause before answering. Buy yourself time with a simple, “Can I get back to you?” It gives you space to check in with what you really want.

• Name your boundary in a kind but clear way. You can say “I can’t take that on right now” without offering a full explanation. (You don’t owe anyone a 5-paragraph essay.)

• Notice your body. If your stomach drops or your shoulders tense every time someone asks you for something... that’s a signal. Your body knows before your brain does.

• Start with low-stakes “no’s.” Practice in safe spaces. It gets easier with time, I promise.

• Write a “yes” list. What are the things you actually want to say yes to? Let that be your guide.

It’s not about becoming selfish. It’s about becoming whole.

So if you’ve been losing little pieces of yourself trying to keep the peace, I just want to say: you deserve peace too. The kind that doesn’t come at your own expense.

Have you ever said yes when you really meant no? How did it feel?

Write me back if you want to talk about it. I’d love to hear.

With heart,

-Golie from MANI